I'm Yours Video by Jason Mraz - MySpace Video

I'm Yours Video by Jason Mraz - MySpace Video

Less than a month, and another lesson learned

Hello, dear readers. In less than a month, I have come to the conclusion that somehow, I must have at some point in my life, been given a curse in the area of romance and relationships. Yes. A curse.
When everything, EVERYTHING, save one, was lined up perfectly, it still fell to the wayside. I realize that the Lord holds us up to a high standard. But DOES HE really expect perfection from some of us?
OK, not even perfection. I'm sitting on a pity pot, aren't I? Did I do even 90%? No. I didn't. I went for easy, and I went for a quick fix. I traded my integrity for what I wanted RIGHT. NOW.
I am angry at myself. I fell for second best. Again. He had ALMOST everything I want and need in a man. A.L.M.O.S.T.--NOT EVERYTHING. So, it is better that I am not in that relationship any longer.
As much as I love him, I am TRULY better not being with him. Now, would I go back? I don't know. Honestly.
I saw what I wanted, and told him what I would pay. He said, I need X or there's no deal. So I said, ok. What a fool I was.
A friend played a song for me yesterday by David Crowder, from the Illuminated cd. It's called "Deliver Me", and it was very very timely. Shane and Becky have been great blessings. No doubt.

Sunday

WE went to a "new" church Sunday morning together. I'd been there 2 or 3 times before, and I really like the feel. "HE" said he liked the sermon and seemed to be pleased with it. Our boys played together and my younger son even stayed over at their house on Saturday.
WOW!!!!
I can't say anything more about it. But I am ABSOLUTELY experiencing a growth spurt. And I'm LIKING it.
:D

Stay tuned...

The WEB Ministry

The WEB Ministry

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listening vs. hearing

I was talking with a dear friend recently, and I learned things that I was not surprised about, but that were not the most encouraging things to hear. The honest exchange of thoughts and ideas was refreshing, to say the least, and my feelings for this friend certainly were not lessened at all.
Later, when I clarified my own thoughts about the particular topic, I either used a term that has another definition than what I'm aware of (A specific, and NEGATIVE one), OR I heard the conversation wrong, completely. The term that I seem to have hurt my friend with was "Friends with benefits". I'm not sure if I translated something that he said incorrectly, or if there is a specific meaning to that phrase that I'm not aware of. Either way, the last thing I heard from this friend was that he will no longer be calling or communicating with me otherwise.
I can't figure out if it's all me being wrong--which, you know, on any given day, it very well could be--or if there was some wrongdoing on both parts, and I'm just more willing to take the heat for it. Either way, I'm not certain what happened. I sent him numerous texts apologizing for whatever was my part, asking if I misunderstood something...? I don't know what to think, let alone what to do.
It's a rare thing to find a friend who can touch your soul. I'm no stranger to self-sabotage. I have been so anxious for the last month that I've lost 15 pounds. This is partly due to the Math Anxiety (aka fear of failure), to be sure, but there is no doubt that it is also a bit of "fear of success".
Now after feeling like I'd found a missing piece of my heart, I sit here now feeling like it's been ripped back out where the parts had just begun to mesh.
So, I'm going to go to bed soon, and hope that the Lord will get him to talk to me...and give me the words to fix whatever my tactless fool mouth has...perhaps... destroyed...
And, for now, I'm going to give him time to miss me, forcing myself not to let him know that I have a new ache...

Discovery. Joy. Thought. Feeling.

"The joy of discovery illustrates the proper relationship between thought and feeling."

That's what I am thinking about right now. I dunno if some super famous smart person said it first, or if it just sounds right b/c it is?
Recently, I have gotten to meet up with someone who prior to the last week, was just an anonymous writer, across the cyber-street. I've met people before, after chatting a bit with them online, as you know. The first several were anti-climactic, and so they probably didn't rate much fanfare on here. This one is different. A gentleman, even. To say that this friendship is special to me is to say that children are a positive thing to have in your life. Or that chocolate is perhaps something that I would consider eating. Once. Or that Europe is a beautiful place to live. Or....ok. You got the idea. So, with that being said, I will probably not write much more about it. I can tell you this, and you may (or may not)connect the dots:

I pretty much always knew I was different. When I was a little girl, we were the only family in our tiny Indiana town that had a tv. (GASP!) Yes, it's true. Then, when Mom and Dad divorced, I attended 4 different schools in one year: this set me apart, for sure. I was constantly having to prove myself, and felt woefully inadequate for this task. I was the "new kid", not privy to the local mores, not a member of the cliques, and not one of the "privileged", to be sure. Not that I'm complaining, mind you! I know now that the Lord used those things to bring me to where I am now, so it all worked out.
As I grew up, I was gawky and awkward, (ironically, I see pics of models and they were very much the same way at that age---how did *I* miss that one!?! lol) and the subject of harassment and the usual kid-torment. I think I acquired some degree of scoliosis as a result of trying to shrink into the background. I did not want to stand out, but I was unable to successfully avoid the emotional wounds meted out by my peers. Now I understand that they were hurting, too.
When I got to be around 14 or so, I began to have such conflicts with my Mom that I eventually went to stay with Dad and his wife. At about age 16, during one of the prolonged stays with them, they enrolled me in a Christian school in Lakeland, FL., which was a part of the church they'd been attending.
I went to that school for a good part of my Senior year, as best I recall. I was blessed to make a couple of good friends, yet there was still the underlying feeling of not quite blending in.
The only thing I'd found until then that took away the self-consciousness, the fear, the feelings of being a side-show freak, was to get high. I began using at the age of 15, and I truly felt "OK", for the first time I could recall, after a few sips of liquor or hits off a joint. Somehow, the chemicals were able to let me find the place where I was everything I'd never been able to believe about myself.
So, in summary: I was born different. I felt it, and others' words and actions toward me reinforced that idea.
Then one day there was a concert at church. "Silverwind" was going to be there, and I was actually going to be allowed to attend. (Part of the terms of living with Dad, a then-undiagnosed alkie/druggie --and I don't need to tell you about the CONTROL issues-- was that I had NO life outside of school and church. Period.)That was a day that I can never forget. Years later, when I was unable to drink or use "enough", this day was one that I could not get out of my head.
The concert was good, the music was, well, the only word probably that is accurate and true is "anointed". (I have the cd still, and I don't know of anything else from that period of my life that I still own.)
Anyway, after the music was over, there was the standard "call for prayer", and this time there was a certain young man who had been drumming at church for as long as I'd been there, who was praying for people to receive the Baptism in the Holy Ghost.
Now, I'm not really certain if they were praying for the Baptism, to be "filled" with the Holy Spirit, or what. What I do know, is that THAT defined for me, why I never fit in.
The Bible speaks of followers of Christ being "set apart", being "not OF the world", and the King James Bible puts it so succinctly: a Peculiar People.

Here's a definition that I got from the Thesaurus online, of "Peculiar", which IS pretty much what I believed to be true about me for so long:

Main Entry: peculiar
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: bizarre, odd
Synonyms:
abnormal, bent, creepy, curious, eccentric, exceptional, extraordinary, flaky, freakish, freaky, funny, idiosyncratic, kinky, kooky, oddball, off-the-wall, offbeat, outlandish, quaint, queer, singular, strange, uncommon, unconventional, uncustomary, unusual, wacky, way-out, weird, wonderful
Antonyms:
normal, ordinary, regular, standard, usual

Sadly, I only HEARD that less-than flattering parts of that definition. (I finally did come to embrace and proudly wear the moniker of Abbie "Normal")

Here is a more positive definition, that also came from www.Thesaurus.reference.com :

Main Entry: peculiar
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: characteristic, distinguishing
Synonyms:
appropriate, diacritic, diagnostic, distinct, distinctive, endemic, exclusive, idiosyncratic, individual, intrinsic, local, particular, personal, private, proper, restricted, special, specific, typical, unique
Antonyms:
abnormal, uncharacteristic

I know now that the enemy of my soul was logging in hours, even back in my childhood, to make sure I never got the WHOLE picture. If God's CHOSEN are called to be a PECULIAR people, then *I* have actually been unknowingly wearing the mark, in a sense, for my whole life. If I had a penny for every time I've been called weird, I would have a fat piggy bank.
Isn't it amazing how stepping back and looking over a lifetime, you can see that there was a CLEAR path, that things were truly adding up to a REAL number, and that there are absolutely no coincidences?

So, are you wondering what all this has to do with the first part of this post? Hang on, I'm getting there.

That night, after the Silverwind concert, I felt the Spirit of the Creator touch me. There are no words to describe it, fully, but from what I've heard, it seems to be similar to the feeling of being electrocuted, except w/o the pain. It's like a mighty, rushing wind, and a warm, roaring ocean wave flowed through me. I don't think there was any kind of physical evidence; no shaking or flopping on the floor, no barking, etc.... ;)
But Dad did tell me on the way home that my face was shining. I know that I felt like I had been given a gift that I would BURST if I didn't try to share it at EVERY opportunity. The gift of pure love. Raw, unadulterated L O V E. No agendas, no personal motives. Just good old fashioned love. The Bible says that God is love.
I knew at that time, that I HAVE been set apart. I have unequivocally NOT been the same since that moment when I had an encounter with the Living God. I AM "unusual, unique, special", and sometimes, even "wonderful." There is something called a "Remnant", and I belong there.
I found out at every turn, that I didn't fit in among any group of people on this planet. I don't. And finding others who are this kind of distinct, exclusive, unconventional, and eccentric---well, I can't tell you how exciting it can be. Connecting with another human being on a level where together, you are touching the heart of God...wow.
So, the connection between the first part of this post and the end, is that I have found a fellow traveler on the road that leads to eternity with the Lover of my soul. My friend is also "trudging the road to happy destiny", via the cross, and I am humbled to be called his friend.

Hope in a mohawk...

I'm smiling as I think about a conversation I had last night, with a few people who were helping out in various forms, at VBS. It began something like this: "You might be ready to do some work in the Outreach to homeless and at-risk youth, if you can hear the name of a young man I met today, and not crack a smile:
His name is Stiffy."
I don't know if any of them were able to not smile, but I know that I also wanted to grin hugely when Stiffy introduced himself to me. I can't tell you what I thought, but it settled in my mind as "What would Jesus do?" I'm pretty sure He wouldn't major in the minors. What this boy wants to be called has no importance, ultimately, as far as whether or not he needs to be helped out of the existence he's found himself in. He described some events that led up to his current situation, "couch-surfing" , and impressed me as a person who will someday make something out of the gifts God has given him. Intelligent, compassionate and considerate, I see a future for Stiffy that does not include wearing the same filthy clothes for days on end. I see him living in a place where he doesn't have to "go along" with the attention-seeking antics of the lesser-intellectually endowed delinquents, just to secure his spot on the floor of the "shared" apartment. They had an adult co-sign the lease for them; I hope to gather more about my young friend's familial situation in the coming days.
Saturday morning there is an event of some kind at the local sk8 park--involving FREE FOOD!! I told Stiffy about it before I left. Such a small conversation, but it felt like I got to touch God's heart for a second. How could I NOT be hooked?
P.S.
Thanks for the comments. It reminds me that I am accountable. :)